happy birthday cassandra megan

cassandra megan leonard

11/20/99

7 lbs 15 oz

9:10 am

it is difficult to believe that cassandra is 9 years old. it feels like just yesterday i was POAS to find out she was even going to be a part of our life. shane and i had her name picked out when we were dating in high school. who knew that almost 7 years after we graduated high school we'd actually be using that name.

getting pregnant the first time was more work than we thought it would be. you assume that you do the opposite of what you had done to keep from getting pregnant. that is not always the case. to spare you all the gory details, suffice it to say i remember month after month dragging shane into the bedroom to perform his duty so we could have this baby we were dying to have. it took 6 months for me to get pregnant. not that i was complaining about all the activity ;-) but shane was working full time and in school full time and trying to keep up with me and ovulation schedules was more than he thought he'd be required to do.

ahhhhhhhh yes, that first positive pregnancy test. i didn't believe it so i peed on 3 or 4 more to be sure. now i was sure so we called to tell everyone. i have to say most responses were positive. some more positive than others though ;-)

so we did doctor appointments, i worked full time and my bosses offered for me to work from home when the little bean arrived. we planned and plotted. we had 3 baby showers thrown for us. i ate. i had heartburn that rivaled a volcano. i had pre-eclampesia (or toxemia as it was called in the day) so i swelled up 70 or so lbs worth. the tops of my feet split open. it was misery but it was our baby on the way and nothing made us happier.

my doctor was an asshole. i never saw them but 2 or 3 times. the rest of the time it was NP's who just yelled at me for being fat. nobody tested for pre-e at that point. cassandra was due nov 24th but at my doc appt on the 19th i saw the actual doctor who was appalled at the swelling i had so i was induced. i vividly remember the call from the hospital "mrs. leonard...this is chandler regional hospital. are you ready to come in and have your baby???" my answer "well...... i guess so" you know that moment. the one you have longed for and dreaded all at the same time? would you be strong enough? would you be brave enough? would it go ok? would the baby be ok?

we got to the hospital with everything the first time parents show up with. a radio, cd's, massage stuff, phone list, camera, the ever famous "bag" with all the essentials in it. we looked like we were spending the weekend at a resort rather than coming to have a baby.

we learned a lot. like the fact i would have the "on call doc" because my docs weren't working that weekend. nice. thanks for the head's up guys. we learned that labor is called labor for a reason :-) i made it to 8 cm before i was brave enough to face the epidural. i'm glad i did. i pushed for 2 hours and 15 min before the doc decided to try a vacuum. cassandra had the cord around her neck 2x. i had a major tear and lots of stitches and some lovely hemmis to go w/ the package. but i had a beautiful baby girl. what more could you ask for? tons of dark hair. beautiful blue eyes. more beautiful than i could have imagined.

at that moment you realize that it IS possible for your heart to exit your body, sprout limbs and exist outside of your body. i felt more powerful and more vulnerable than ever before. nothing is ever the same again. i never looked at movies the same, songs the same, people the same. everything was that wonderful combination of amazing and terrifying at the same time. such emotions. such love to feel. amazing. i remember not even wanting to put her down so i could pee.

i also felt my first bouts of "failure" w/ breastfeeding. whoever said breastfeeding was natural forgot to emphasize that it's not easy. we tried for 2 weeks and went on formula. while i did beat myself up over it i also had a very healthy happy baby. i wish that as moms we didn't guilt ourselves over so many things. but alas, it's who we are.

cassandra was and still is an amazing girl. she was such a social baby. i took her to work w/ me 2-3 days a week and worked from home the rest. she was everywhere, in bosses offices, with the receptionist, with me. everyone loved cassandra. it was an office of men reduced to babbling "uncles" when cassandra arrived. she brought us all closer.

cassandra is the only one who really got to know my grandma. and what a treasure that was. i remember her baking cookies with her. picking pansies with her. holding her, rocking her and just loving her. i remember hampy in the chair holding cassandra singing to her. they are moments i know she doesn't remember but i have the pictures to show her and the stories to tell her.

cassandra was a riot. she didn't experience the 2's but she did have a wild bout of the 3's. independence was her wish. "i do it myself" was what i heard mostly. thanks to the guys at work and my sailor mouth she learned to use the F word at age 3, in context i might add. ya, that took awhile to break. then came school. i remember laying in bed crying for months before school even started. i didn't want to share her with the world. i wanted her home with me. reluctantly, i took her to school. and she cried every single day. she laid on the ground and she held my leg. she.hated.school. i cried every day driving home from leaving her there. luckily, she had the best teacher in the world and we made it through. first grade was a little better but not much. second grade she made a best friend and school was where she wanted to be 75% of the time. now 3rd grade is here and she has many friends and a wonderful teacher who says he wishes he could keep cassandra in his class forever. his words..."never have i had a student who uses her manners so effortlessly. she is a pleasure. no, make that a joy to be around" so ya, i cried during parent/teacher conferences. wouldn't you?

cassandra was a wonderful big sister the first time. the second time and the third time. she is a little mommy herself. she is a sensitive, caring girl. she's a worrier. she wants everyone to be happy, everyone to like her. she'd rather cut off her own arm than hurt your feelings. and yet you see that tween 'tude showing through as she struggles with her new feelings and problems with friends. i don't really worry about the choices she will make. i worry about those around her who will take advantage of her amazing willingness to give so effortlessly. she is my comedian, my psychologist, my assistant, my friend and forever my walking, talking, singing heart.

will she ever know that i feel these things about her? i tell her. but she's too modest to ever really grasp that she is the world to me. as much now as she was when i held her in the hospital 9 years ago.

i love you cassandra

xoxoxooxoxox

pictures will come this weekend~i'm in san diego w/out my own laptop.