today

so today was what would have been our due date for the baby we lost in may. pretty much a rotten last few days for me. off and on i have my moody days, my blue days. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about what happened and how life would be now with another baby to love. i know that a lot of people don't get it, a lot of people don't understand why i feel the way i do. all i can say to that is be thankful you don't understand. be thankful you've never been through this because it is one of the hardest things i've ever delt with.

i do not take lightly the blessings i have in my life. i have 4 healthy, happy, beautiful children. i have a husband who loves me and i love him more now than i did the 17 years ago that we met. but i don't thing that mourning something you lost makes you ungrateful for what you do have. i am thankful every day that i have the man i love, the kids i love, the house i wanted, my family nearby, the ability to be home with my kids. but i am sad that we lost this baby that i never thought would be a part of our life in the first place. it was a happy surprise. so in part, my sadness is for what i lost and for what i will never have again. it was that realization all over again that there will be no more kids in our family. that is not something that i feel at peace with in my heart although it must be.

so today, of all days, i can't help but wonder who would have been home with us now. would we still be the house of estrogen :-), would griffin have a new baby brother. would shane and i argued over girls' names again. what would alyssa think about a new baby. i think that it's ok to feel this way, to know that this will always be a part of who i am now. i just hope that those around me realize that it is still something fresh in my mind. it is something that has changed me. i will not "get over it" today or tomorrow or years from now. not because i don't love or care about who is in my family but because the gift of the opportunity to know another wonderful, happy, healthy, wonderful baby would have been really awesome too. and that opportunity is gone forever. and i miss it terribly.