Sunday, September 21, 2008

Goodbye

so how do you say goodbye to the part of your life that has made you the happiest? the most content? the most fulfilled?

well, you say goodbye with a lot of tears. a lot of sleepless nights. maybe even some unkind words to the man you adore. mostly, you say goodbye with a heavy heart and a lot of amazing memories of the journey you've taken.

i knew that alyssa was going to be our last baby before she was born. shane and i had agreed on that. i never, in a million years, thought i would be up for a 5th baby. sadly, i was. it was a terrible, emotional struggle these past 15 months knowing that there would never be another baby for us. well, a struggle until i found out i was pregnant in april and lost the baby in may. that was worse than just dealing with knowing there would be no more in the first place.

oh the funny looks i get and the comments about a big family. "you don't need more kids" or "you should be thankful for what you have already" are the most popular by far. it's not that i am not thankful for what i have, it is that i regret who i lost. is that so hard to understand? there is a facet of our relationship that is gone forever. never again will we plan for another baby. never again will shane look into my eyes and say "yes, i want to have another baby together" or the million of other adorable (but maybe less printable) comments he would say to that regard. it is the knowing that i will never feel anyone move inside my stomach again. i will never feel anyone kick or stretch or shove their toes between my ribs. we will never wait with great anticipation to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. or argue over names ;-) i will never look into shane's eyes and see that look of wonderment when we deliver that baby and he tells me with his eyes that i have given him the most wonderful gift you can give your husband.

i still feel like someone else is supposed to be here with us. but it's too late for that now and i have to find peace with that fact.

we have a wonderful family and i am blessed to have 4 amazing children who love each other so much. they do so much together and are thoughtful of each other. i know that may change in the future, although i hope not. i love that cassandra, savannah and griffin ask me when we'll have another baby because "alyssa is too much fun" to have around.

and i love shane, he is a wonderful man. he may have been the focus of my anger these past few months as i struggle to deal with all that is in my heart but i know that there is nobody on this earth who loves me like he does. my grandpa used to tell my grandma "i worship the ground you walk on" and i always that that was a funny thing to say to someone.

until now. i get it. i feel it every day. i know that is how shane feels about me and despite all the hurt in my heart, it's a good thing to know that it's the way he feels about me.

4 comments:

my life said...

{hugs}

Fussy Pants said...

Aw :( What a beautiful post.

Angel said...

You made me cry ...

fluffyslippers said...

awww hun, i cry enough myself, don't you go adding to it LOL