so...alyssa loves toilet paper. to be honest, don't we all? i mean, where would we be without it? we'd be using the 3 shell system mentioned in the futuristic movie demolition man. i forget sometimes how simple things can make you so happy. like toilet paper. or clean sheets. or when your husband reaches over in the middle of the night and holds your hand or rubs your butt sweetly.
so alyssa had her 15 month well visit at the doc. she got 3 shots in the arm. she did pretty well all things considered. she is 25 lbs 12 oz, 32.75" tall and her head is 19.50". her vocabulary is that of an 18 month to 2 year old according to the doc. i have always had chatty kids so i wouldn't know what to do with a child that didn't talk a lot like she does. she's walking with her walker but still not confident enough to be taking those solo steps. she does stand on her own a lot, she's made it quite a game for herself actually.
the kids are on fall break! yay! they have been playing pirates of the caribbean hour after hour for 2 days solid now. you should see what they've done to the play room to make it their pirate ship! such imaginations.
other than that, all is quiet here. we are just enjoying our days off. i had a haircut today, i chopped off 6 inches of my hair and got it all layered. it feels much much better. tomorrow i am going to church to pick up my teaching book for sunday. i believe our lesson is noah's ark so that will be fun. then i think we'll go to the soft play area at the chandler mall and walk around afterwards. starbuck's has their pumpkin spice latte's out now so mmmmmmmmmmm i am ready for one of those!
so...in the pics it's alyssa loving her pile of toilet paper she heisted from the bathroom, random alyssa walking pictures and then i took pics of the kids in the playroom BEFORE they cleaned it up. some of them were not happy to be photographed in front of their mess but i did it anyway! y ay me ;-)
so how do you say goodbye to the part of your life that has made you the happiest? the most content? the most fulfilled?
well, you say goodbye with a lot of tears. a lot of sleepless nights. maybe even some unkind words to the man you adore. mostly, you say goodbye with a heavy heart and a lot of amazing memories of the journey you've taken.
i knew that alyssa was going to be our last baby before she was born. shane and i had agreed on that. i never, in a million years, thought i would be up for a 5th baby. sadly, i was. it was a terrible, emotional struggle these past 15 months knowing that there would never be another baby for us. well, a struggle until i found out i was pregnant in april and lost the baby in may. that was worse than just dealing with knowing there would be no more in the first place.
oh the funny looks i get and the comments about a big family. "you don't need more kids" or "you should be thankful for what you have already" are the most popular by far. it's not that i am not thankful for what i have, it is that i regret who i lost. is that so hard to understand? there is a facet of our relationship that is gone forever. never again will we plan for another baby. never again will shane look into my eyes and say "yes, i want to have another baby together" or the million of other adorable (but maybe less printable) comments he would say to that regard. it is the knowing that i will never feel anyone move inside my stomach again. i will never feel anyone kick or stretch or shove their toes between my ribs. we will never wait with great anticipation to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. or argue over names ;-) i will never look into shane's eyes and see that look of wonderment when we deliver that baby and he tells me with his eyes that i have given him the most wonderful gift you can give your husband.
i still feel like someone else is supposed to be here with us. but it's too late for that now and i have to find peace with that fact.
we have a wonderful family and i am blessed to have 4 amazing children who love each other so much. they do so much together and are thoughtful of each other. i know that may change in the future, although i hope not. i love that cassandra, savannah and griffin ask me when we'll have another baby because "alyssa is too much fun" to have around.
and i love shane, he is a wonderful man. he may have been the focus of my anger these past few months as i struggle to deal with all that is in my heart but i know that there is nobody on this earth who loves me like he does. my grandpa used to tell my grandma "i worship the ground you walk on" and i always that that was a funny thing to say to someone.
until now. i get it. i feel it every day. i know that is how shane feels about me and despite all the hurt in my heart, it's a good thing to know that it's the way he feels about me.
It was too funny, we had just been to the doctor on Wednesday and I said "do you think this girl is ever going to walk? she has no interest. she butt scoots everywhere" and my doc laughed and said she would surely do it...in her own time.
So that night we're in the playroom. Playing, of course. Alyssa got cranky and so I said to her "why don't you get your walker and go somewhere?" so she scooted right over to it, pulled up, took off and never looked back! She is very fast with it now and within a day had pretty well mastered turning and correcting herself if she veers to the side. She hasn't gotten the hang of 180's yet but she'll get there. It is so cool to watch her take off, curls flying, off to a new adventure.
So her fav new thing to do is go down the hall every morning to wake the girls for school. She grabs that walker, goes to their room, stops at each bed and kisses them on the arm and cackles. So far the girls are loving it! She also loves to chase Griffin with the walker. Good times!
So she got her first pair of shoes, a pair of Stride Rite pink butterfly shoes. Very cute. She is obsessed with them. She comes after you saying "shoes, shooooooooooooes" waiting for you to put them on. Now she's obsessed with everyone ELSES shoes too!